How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
