I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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