Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
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