There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize