I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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