I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
