i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
