So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Pants are for mortals
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
