Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I enjoy the company of your penis
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
