No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
