i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
vagina is talking i cant
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
