he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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