I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
