Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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