True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
