I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize