Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
