I met the friendliest cop last night
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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