He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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