Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
