birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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