Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
