I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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