His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
