You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
