His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
