I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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