It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I understand Curling. That high.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
