How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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