somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
