do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize