Someone shit on the floor
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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