I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
