Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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