I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
