Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
