Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
