I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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