Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
