i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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