Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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