Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
