I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
