Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
