why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
