Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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