I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
