Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize