I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize