I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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