I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
