if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You can't motorboat a personality
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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