i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
