Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm jealous of your bromance
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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